A letter to my younger self
A letter to my younger self…
‘’The bravest thing that I ever did was choose to continue fighting when all I wanted to do was stop.’’
Childhood
I was told as a child that I had no reason to be sad. I had a stable family life, I had good friends, I was achieving a lot through hobbies, however for some reason, unbeknownst to me I was extremely sad.
I could pinpoint moments in my childhood that would support such feelings, but they never truly explained how one day, and then for the next 10 years I was depressed.
Depression isn’t a choice, and it doesn’t discriminate. You can be fulfilled materialistically but that doesn’t fill the emotional void that encompasses a mental illness.
My Experience
‘’you don’t hang out with us anymore’’
It is easy for people who do not experience a mental health issue to think that your absence in their life and their company is a personal choice. Its often that people who become depressed or suffer with other mental illnesses shrink into themselves and extradite themselves from society as a coping mechanism. However, it isn’t a personal choice, and blaming yourself for how it affects others is something that I quickly had to learn is not something you always have to feel badly about.
What did not work for me
I thought a lot about my journey over the past few weeks. I sat through therapy with CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) as a child and to be completely honest it did nothing to help me. I quickly learnt that a lot of recovery is about what you do for yourself, how you reflect and your open mindedness to sit through the uncomfortable.
By the age of 18 I had seen three different therapists. They all had soft approaches except one who recommended anti-depressants. The decision to begin taking tablets as a ‘fix’ to my depression and anxiety was not easy. I had been certain that I could ‘fix’ myself but what I came to realise was that that my depression was a chemical imbalance in my brain. I also discovered that at the age of 16 I was most definitely not fully equipped with the tools to combat negative thoughts and feelings which resulted in negative coping mechanisms. I genuinely believe that the use of anti-depressants enabled me to be in the right state of mind to look for other alternatives that were not functionally available to me when I had such a negative outlook on my life.
There are a lot of stigmas surrounding such tablets and their uses. I was told of concerns from family members that once I began taking them, I would never be able to live without them. This is the case for many people, and it should not be seen as a loss if you are reliant upon them. Each person’s journey is different and that is beyond okay and should be encouraged in conversation. Comparing yourself to another is futile. You have control over one life and that is yours. Do not waste your precious energy with the thoughts of what if and if only, it does nothing but further that negative mindset and takes away the important time you have on self-development and reflection.
The euphoric moment
When I reflect on my journey with my mental health I cannot say with accuracy when I felt like I had a grasp on what changed.
I had been on anti-depressants for two years when I had decided that I was going to come off of them. This was an autonomous decision and not recommended by my doctor. However, at 18 years of age I moved away from home and began my studies at university.
Now I am someone who has a love/hate relationship with change. It is unavoidable and still I sit uncomfortably within it.
‘’Learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable’’
The acceptance of change, no matter how you sit with it, is something I found propelled me into the mindset that I choose to have today. Note the word ‘choose’. We have an abundance of choices in our life, there are certain things we are given in life and especially in the UK and that is a vast amount of choice.
We have choice over our bodies, our minds, our friendships, our passions, our love, and our lives. We have the privilege to choose the path we take. This mindset is not ignorant to the extenuating circumstances that can affect each and every one of us, but these circumstances have one special feature and that is how we CHOOSE to react.
The day I began to take a hold of my freedom of choice is when I truly felt my life flipped.
Positive rules I live my life by…
1. I choose who I surround myself with.
I truly believe our energy and our mindsets are heavily influenced by the people we give our time too. If you choose to surround yourself with negative energy, then it is likely this energy will transfer to you. CHOOSE to be around positive influences who will support you, uplift you and propel you into the person that you want to be.
2. I choose to treat my body as my temple.
It sounds very cliché, but your body is your temple. It houses all the components of ones being. I choose to exercise. Nature is one of life’s blessings. The world has so many beautiful places and choosing to go outside for an hour a day, take yourself on a walk, go on an adventure. Enjoying the world has been something that has truly helped me clear my mind. I choose to fuel my body with nutrients, I choose to be in tune with myself. Experiencing what is outside physically beyond your mental health
There is a scientific link between diet, exercise, and your mental health. If you spend as much time fuelling your body as you do your passions, you will see a never-ending upward trend.
3. I choose to accept what I cannot control.
I think the most important thing that I discovered through my journey is that you cannot control anything but yourself no matter how hard you try. It is easy to believe you have everything figured out. However, the best way to measure your journey is an unexpected circumstance. This unexpected circumstance will show you exactly how you have prepared yourself and built your tools by way of reaction. I can say with certainty that my 13-year-old self would deal with grief by way of self-harm. She would not have had the tools to respond to grief in a healthy way. However, as someone who has recently dealt with grief, my first response was to allow myself to feel every raw emotion, and then rely upon the positive people I have surrounded myself with for support. I accepted that I could not change the circumstance, and I responded in a positive way.
Accepting the decline to propel the incline
It is important to note that a relapse in our journey is not a loss. It is simply an opportunity to reflect that we have not in fact gathered all the necessary tools to fight the battles we don’t expect. It is then your autonomous CHOICE to find these tools and prepare yourself for the incredible journey you have embarked on.
My challenge to you
I encourage each and you every one of you to write a letter to your younger self…
What would you say to 14-year-old you?
What does your journey look like?
How is your journey developing as you grow?
Write it out, reflect, and be proud of yourself! You have come this far
Go outside! Find one hour in your day to be with your thoughts, to be with nature, to breathe, relax, and express your gratitude for the things we have around us.
‘’The bravest thing that I ever did was choose to continue fighting when all I wanted to do was stop.’’
Megan
